Mornie utulie...
Believe and you will find your way...
Mornie alantie...

- Enya
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blogging since :: 05/03/2003

place your past into a book, burn the pages
Tuesday, December 05, 2017

If only you could raise the bar for yourself instead of living behind it.  I see your potential. I wish you could too. All that once was, now clings in shadows. Words circle around in endless pools of mistakes and regrets deep within the shallows. Still, we are so close and yet so very far.   



you're such a heavenly view
Friday, October 20, 2017

I had a moment.
I had no recollection that you weren't really here.
I saw your smile. The one I haven't seen in years.
You were my moment.
You were there to comfort me when I didn't even realize I needed it.
There was no sadness.
There were no scars of the past.
We were together and we were happy.
It felt like our lives were just beginning.
It felt like peace.  It felt like you.
I miss you, Daddy.



maybe one day i could fly with you
Thursday, August 03, 2017

When you lose someone, the hurt doesn't leave, it just changes.
The places you'd go before together seem empty.
The words you last said seem trivial.
The distance apart seems greater each day.
Like the memories are fading.
It's scary and sad. And then it hurts because you feel yourself forgetting.
So the pain doesn't leave, it just changes. It's always there.



echos in rain drifting in waves
Monday, July 17, 2017

I used to take comfort in seeing you every now and then. You made it possible for my flowers to bloom and would wash away the grime of the day. You'd offer a gentle sound as a backdrop to life.  But now, you've taken so much away, you constantly threaten us and you continue to make me uneasy.  How ironic that we need you to live but at the same time despise you for being here.



you ran away again
Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I had all these suggestions and ideas about what we should be doing to make things right. It felt like even though I didn't have all of the answers, I had at least this one. The one that could make all the difference in the outcome.  I preached and whined about how she's going to grow to resent everyone around her who wasn't taking the time to at least try and now I have a realization that perhaps, maybe, I'm the one who's being resented because I stepped in too much, I tried too hard, I forced myself into a situation that didn't require my involvement. Maybe it's just a phase; maybe things will get better. Maybe she'll one day seem to need me again.



you're a sky full of stars
Monday, March 13, 2017

I started using my lunch breaks to hit the gym. So far, things are going well. It frees up my day in the evenings so I can focus on the hubby and the puppy.  Yay! Ps. Hey, Mom, come back! :D



even if we're just dancing in the dark
Thursday, October 20, 2016

Day 69 and counting...insulation was completed (for the most part, 98%) last weekend. So this coming weekend we will start the first phase of sheet-rock in rooms where we can.  It's still a long road ahead but we are determined to get our house back together.



i care but i'm restless, i'm here but i'm really gone
Monday, October 10, 2016

I need to get back into a routine but since the house flooded (August 12- ha, what was that I was saying the day before?), it's been really hard to get motivated to do anything productive until we know which direction we are headed in with our home.  I do a little here and there; walking Penny some days, putting on a workout DVD on others.  I need to wash my car, (the Mazda 3 that had to replace the flooded Mazda 6) and I intended to do that this past weekend but Jossy came over and we found other things to do to occupy our time.  Maybe I can figure it out soon, I know I need to, my brain is a bag of cats lately. I need some inner peace and finding it pretty soon would be great.  



there's a white flag waving where my heart is on the ground
Thursday, August 11, 2016

Maybe it's that I'm waiting for-- the fallout.  I mean, you can't go through life expecting that karma won't get you in the end.  I guess that's my fear after all this time, karma. Who's to say that I'm exempt?  I think that's it. I am on edge all of the time because I am in constant fear of getting what's coming to me.  



this will destroy you
Tuesday, August 09, 2016

When it doesn't feel like I'm worthy and his patience has worn thin.  Three steps and we're out the door trying to quell the impossible-and then it does no good.  Each time believing that this time will be different and each time finding out that since I remain the common denominator, nothing will change.

Who are you anymore?



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