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blogging since :: 05/03/2003
i've made the same mistakes but i won't this time
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
My apologies continuously hang in the air and are startled still by the lack of your presence; remaining unknown because you're no longer there. And why should you be? Although I've grown through this, no amount of theatrics or writing could ever be convincing enough to undo the damage. Thankfully, my life continues on but the words I've said and things I've done are not forgotten. There are just some acts that are unforgivable and I accept that. The heavy burden of being a disappointment to myself is the price I have to pay for the choices I've made.
someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Music has always been a big part of my life. I get attached to certain genres... or certain artists... and have often wondered what's with the absolutes? Why the repetitiveness until I can listen no longer? I realized today, the why. You know how music adds an emotional element that wouldn't otherwise be there in movies, and then the credits roll with a theme at the end? It's sort of a parallel to life. I gravitate to music that is helping me move through one chapter to the next, like it's the closing of the book before beginning a new adventure. Thinking back to certain times, I can recall the memories/feelings associated with that moment through music. It has the magical ability to capture so many sides to our lives and forever encase them within its lyric and melody. Sometimes these are good things, other times, not so good. But in each, through the music, there could be something to hold on to or let go with.
this little bluebird came looking for you
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
Dad gave me a small ceramic birdhouse
years ago. It has hung under my carport for years without a single occupant. This has always bummed me out as I love birds and the magnificent hard work they go through in building a nest. I have always loved finding nests around the house in random places but wanted a dedicated safe space to offer them. After a couple of years, I gave up hope that we would get a visitor and so the house had just become another decoration outside. This morning, on my way to my car, I startled a small yellow/grey bird who flew past me out into the open air. As I passed the birdhouse, I noticed it was swinging back and forth and thought it odd because it was a very still morning. Upon closer inspection, I find that my scattering little friend had actually been busy building a nest inside! With exhilarating glee, I jumped in my car and became very still as to wait to see if she would come back. My patience paid off and my faith, once again, restored in the fact that I know my Dad is still with me. He's been on my mind a lot this week. Today is his burial and how awesome that with the help a tiny bird
, he reminded me once again that he's still here.
he stopped loving her today
Monday, June 02, 2014
Ever since we were little, Daddy told us that whenever he died, he wanted us to play a certain song
at his funeral. He had a hard time letting go of our Mother once they divorced and this song expressed exactly how he felt. At his memorial, in the whirlwind of decisions and plan making, I completely forgot about his request and we played a few other sentimental songs. Over the past few months, I had been struggling with the decision he reluctantly made when he had to decide his wishes once he passed. He said it would be alright to cremate
him because he had this romantic idea of being scattered into the river to be ultimately washed away to the sea. My sister's and I talked about carrying out his request but each couldn't part with the piece of him we had in our urns. Fearing that his remains would be cast out should something happen to each of us, we discussed and came to an agreement to bury him. We wanted him to have his own mark in this world. He will meet his final resting place this Wednesday, June 4, in Evergreen Memorial Park courtesy of Seale Funeral Home
. This is where my niece, Raylynn Alaine is buried, as well as her Father, Joseph Ray Hagan. I told my sisters that it would be nice if we could all get together to take time to truly honor him by playing the songs we knew he loved. It will be a nice private memorial for our Daddy and I know he will be looking down upon us and smiling.
fiddle leaf ficus... peperomias... hobbit...
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
I have so many projects that I'm eager to do. I've got my Fiddle Leaf Ficus
that needs a little boost. I've been researching if it's possible to cut back bamboo leaves on the lower stalks in order for there to just be leaves at the tops - like this
. I'm awaiting feedback from a supplier who's asking a supplier about Rubella Peperomias
. (I think this is my Dad's plant I've been trying to find-- forever!) **THANKS UTE** ...I've ordered my IKEA metal kart
and it's on the way for the re-design of my succulent garden
. (best idea ever! -- excited!!!) There are decisions to be made for the plants I want to add to the front of my house where I just transplanted some greenery and planted Foxglove
... I'm so obsessed with plants. I find myself engulfed in reading about them online and getting ideas for making plants flourish. Oh, and I need to remember to check for 20-20-20 all purpose fertilizer when I get home for my Peace Lily's
. I'm hoping to get them to flower soon. There's also a new succulent I'm ordering that's called "Hobbit
". Just the name is adorable, and then look at the plant. Aww! The one I really wanted is called "Gollum
" but there's no stock on that. Oh man, I've got to make a list to keep up with all of this...
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Tis so nice out. Feels like beach weather! September can't come soon enough. Hurry hurry! Penny has been ill. Researched home remedies because I have grown terribly disgusted with the drug industry. [the devil] Noticing more than ever how there's a magical pill for all ails but natural cures are unheard of. Oh and the side effects...no thank you. So, awhile after her first dose of [non-meds], she developed a burst of energy and extreme excitement. That side effect may have been a sweet intoxication of some sort. She was literally bouncing off the
walls couch. It was h i l a r i o u s. I think she must have felt better, which makes me glad. Her wellness determines my weekend plans. Come on Penny girl, you can do it!
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
I've fallen in love with succulent plants. It started when my Dad died and I began the search for a plant species of his that I had inherited and subsequently managed to love to death
. It was too far gone when I realized my mistake and it didn't make it back. I was under the impression I had found the variety of plant I had been searching for and have since successfully managed to keep it alive. But upon a recent viewing of my Dad's dying plant's photograph, I now don't think I found it after all. An email was sent to the company I purchased the "replacement" from, Mountain Crest Gardens
, with a request for help in determining the exact plant that belonged to my Dear Dad. In the meantime, here are a few photos of my favorite new friends...
Bonsai, Peperomia, Succulent Garden1 2 Rubella Peperomia
Friday, May 09, 2014
Ressurection. Revolution. Drop Dead Diva. The Office. Coach. Once Upon a Time. Once Upon a Time in Wonderland.
These are my shows. Thank you, Netflix!
leave behind some reasons to be missed
Thursday, May 08, 2014
I have so much that I'm thankful for. Sometimes I can't believe how good my life is. I used to struggle with so many things that, in the grande scheme of things, didn't actually matter in the slightest. I miss my Dad so much. My only wish in going back over the past is that I had really tuned in to things he would try to explain to me. He could get so involved in a story but I lacked the ability to truly appreciate & absorb it. He is terribly missed and I get so sad when I think about him in some moments. But I do have a great husband, honest friends, a quirky-in-their-own-way loving family, & an absolutely wonderful job. At this moment, for the very most part, I hope nothing ever changes.
you think you've won and then it's all gone
Friday, May 02, 2014
To put no effort in saying what I really want to, I come here. It's not that I need kudos or recognition or even the fact of knowing that it's about me. It's just that when you start with taking the opportunity in knowing someone and learn what's important to them, you either naturally build on that out of respect for your partnership, or you use it to your advantage to destroy them bit by bit. I believe that I'm the type of person who tries to at least keep a balance because we all have the ability to harm others even when it's unintentional. I don't make things that happen about me anymore, so, it won't work the same way it used to. I'll just keep going and do what I see is best in the long run because really, that's all anyone is doing.