Mornie utulie...
Believe and you will find your way...
Mornie alantie...

- Enya
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blogging since :: 05/03/2003

maybe one day i could fly with you
Thursday, August 03, 2017

When you lose someone, the hurt doesn't leave, it just changes.
The places you'd go before together seem empty.
The words you last said seem trivial.
The distance apart seems greater each day.
Like the memories are fading.
It's scary and sad. And then it hurts because you feel yourself forgetting.
So the pain doesn't leave, it just changes. It's always there.



echos in rain drifting in waves
Monday, July 17, 2017

I used to take comfort in seeing you every now and then. You made it possible for my flowers to bloom and would wash away the grime of the day. You'd offer a gentle sound as a backdrop to life.  But now, you've taken so much away, you constantly threaten us and you continue to make me uneasy.  How ironic that we need you to live but at the same time despise you for being here.



you ran away again
Tuesday, March 14, 2017

I had all these suggestions and ideas about what we should be doing to make things right. It felt like even though I didn't have all of the answers, I had at least this one. The one that could make all the difference in the outcome.  I preached and whined about how she's going to grow to resent everyone around her who wasn't taking the time to at least try and now I have a realization that perhaps, maybe, I'm the one who's being resented because I stepped in too much, I tried too hard, I forced myself into a situation that didn't require my involvement. Maybe it's just a phase; maybe things will get better. Maybe she'll one day seem to need me again.



you're a sky full of stars
Monday, March 13, 2017

I started using my lunch breaks to hit the gym. So far, things are going well. It frees up my day in the evenings so I can focus on the hubby and the puppy.  Yay! Ps. Hey, Mom, come back! :D



even if we're just dancing in the dark
Thursday, October 20, 2016

Day 69 and counting...insulation was completed (for the most part, 98%) last weekend. So this coming weekend we will start the first phase of sheet-rock in rooms where we can.  It's still a long road ahead but we are determined to get our house back together.



i care but i'm restless, i'm here but i'm really gone
Monday, October 10, 2016

I need to get back into a routine but since the house flooded (August 12- ha, what was that I was saying the day before?), it's been really hard to get motivated to do anything productive until we know which direction we are headed in with our home.  I do a little here and there; walking Penny some days, putting on a workout DVD on others.  I need to wash my car, (the Mazda 3 that had to replace the flooded Mazda 6) and I intended to do that this past weekend but Jossy came over and we found other things to do to occupy our time.  Maybe I can figure it out soon, I know I need to, my brain is a bag of cats lately. I need some inner peace and finding it pretty soon would be great.  



there's a white flag waving where my heart is on the ground
Thursday, August 11, 2016

Maybe it's that I'm waiting for-- the fallout.  I mean, you can't go through life expecting that karma won't get you in the end.  I guess that's my fear after all this time, karma. Who's to say that I'm exempt?  I think that's it. I am on edge all of the time because I am in constant fear of getting what's coming to me.  



this will destroy you
Tuesday, August 09, 2016

When it doesn't feel like I'm worthy and his patience has worn thin.  Three steps and we're out the door trying to quell the impossible-and then it does no good.  Each time believing that this time will be different and each time finding out that since I remain the common denominator, nothing will change.

Who are you anymore?



...and i'm a million different people from one day to the next
Wednesday, July 06, 2016

I suppose when it seems like in every direction you turn, there's an issue or disagreement and you find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to balance being honest with knowing when people don't need any explanations, it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself and your surroundings.  And when continuing to visit the same places and talking to the same people isn't changing their behavior or your own, the only option left is to just take yourself out of the current equation, focus on moving past your weaknesses and just see what happens next.



you shoot me down but I won't fall
Wednesday, June 08, 2016

I was thinking of my Dad on Monday on the way to work. This song came on my Pandora that was a (acoustic) remake of a song that played the day I drove home from the hospital when I found out the news was not so good for him. I love it, so I was trying to sing it but then, it hit me -- like, ugh. I couldn't. I started crying.  And it reminded me of something... growing up, my Dad was dealt a lot of hits in his life. Sometimes I witnessed them, other times I just heard of them, but throughout it all, he always got back up and continued to try. And the realization of how spot-on that song is for his life hit me and I was so thankful to have learned that from him. Just keep swimming, no matter what.




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