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blogging since :: 05/03/2003
i believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
Friday, September 19, 2014
The morning commute has become reserved for my time with the memories of my Dad. By the time I'm in the lot, I'm wiping tears from my eyes. There are no words to describe what it feels like having the last talk with the doctor and hearing the treatment plan turn to making you comfortable. I keep remembering the look in his eyes when he turned to me after realizing what the doctor was saying. He had a choice with only pick being the lesser of two evils. We both felt so alone. Me, because I was looking to him for strength and him because it's what he needed from me. I wish that I could talk to him again. Everything happened so fast after that day, that only now, over a year and a half later, I feel like there is so much I should have said. I feel stuck in the last moment I had with him before the medications altered his state of mind, because I didn't say all that I so desperately wish I could say now. My Daddy was so brave, even through his fear of dying. And I just wish he knew how absolutely proud of him I am for that.
one slip and down the hole we fall
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
I still cry nearly every day for my Dad. I used to think as time moved further from the date he died that I would begin to feel the pain a little less. But it seems to be going the opposite way. Each day is just another day that takes me further away from the last time I saw him.
you put your hands into your head, and then smiles cover your heart
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
I know you don't understand but I just can't say anything without talking to you. It's not that easy and I made a promise not to. You just have to hear through my silence. It's what's appropriate. I need to feel missed and needed but not by you. And I know that all the while I'm closing a door, I'm demanding others to open. This has to be the utmost example of life's balance but it doesn't make it any less difficult to process. When we're hanging by a thread, it's ever more easy to let go. You have to just let go. Even if it's the last thing you bring yourself to do, in the end, it's what's best for me and for you.
i won't be the one to leave this in pieces
Monday, July 21, 2014
Getting this time alone to think, I realize that I'm the type of person who gives others the opportunity to affect me. I constantly offer up the chance of someone I love making a difference in my self esteem. Unfortunately, more times than not, I'm on the receiving end of heartache for my effort. It's amazing how often I ask myself why I even bother. There are a few moments where it feels like my vulnerability is worth the pain because in the end, I know I will receive something wonderful. And I've noticed in those people, I have more greatness than all of the bad combined.
It's interesting to go back into saved drafts that I never published from years back to see just how different I am now, as opposed to then. This was one of the times I was so caught up in "myself". I'm not even this person anymore. It's amazing how much we can grow in such a short amount of time.
the hurt doesn't show but the pain still grows
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Grasping at straws, trying to make sense of it. The constant struggle for balance. Wading in shallow waters only to see the deep. Feeling like diving in but only skimming the surface. There is no sense in it and no distraction from the consistency of feeling like everything is the wrong choice. Holding on to the fact that sometimes, I just have to let go.
you won't pick me, i am just a breeze underneath your wings
Thursday, June 26, 2014
The oddest part is that her despise for me is completely without reason. I haven't done the thing for which I was previously accused and this latest shun is completely unexplained and unwarranted. Not to say that I am perfect, I've definitely made mistakes and still find things about myself to work on, but the latest silent tirade against me is completely out of nowhere and undeserving.
i've made the same mistakes but i won't this time
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
My apologies continuously hang in the air and are startled still by the lack of your presence; remaining unknown because you're no longer there. And why should you be? Although I've grown through this, no amount of theatrics or writing could ever be convincing enough to undo the damage. Thankfully, my life continues on but the words I've said and things I've done are not forgotten. There are just some acts that are unforgivable and I accept that. The heavy burden of being a disappointment to myself is the price I have to pay for the choices I've made.
someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Music has always been a big part of my life. I get attached to certain genres... or certain artists... and have often wondered what's with the absolutes? Why the repetitiveness until I can listen no longer? I realized today, the why. You know how music adds an emotional element that wouldn't otherwise be there in movies, and then the credits roll with a theme at the end? It's sort of a parallel to life. I gravitate to music that is helping me move through one chapter to the next, like it's the closing of the book before beginning a new adventure. Thinking back to certain times, I can recall the memories/feelings associated with that moment through music. It has the magical ability to capture so many sides to our lives and forever encase them within its lyric and melody. Sometimes these are good things, other times, not so good. But in each, through the music, there could be something to hold on to or let go with.
this little bluebird came looking for you
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
Dad gave me a small ceramic birdhouse
years ago. It has hung under my carport for years without a single occupant. This has always bummed me out as I love birds and the magnificent hard work they go through in building a nest. I have always loved finding nests around the house in random places but wanted a dedicated safe space to offer them. After a couple of years, I gave up hope that we would get a visitor and so the house had just become another decoration outside. This morning, on my way to my car, I startled a small yellow/grey bird who flew past me out into the open air. As I passed the birdhouse, I noticed it was swinging back and forth and thought it odd because it was a very still morning. Upon closer inspection, I find that my scattering little friend had actually been busy building a nest inside! With exhilarating glee, I jumped in my car and became very still as to wait to see if she would come back. My patience paid off and my faith, once again, restored in the fact that I know my Dad is still with me. He's been on my mind a lot this week. Today is his burial and how awesome that with the help a tiny bird
, he reminded me once again that he's still here.
he stopped loving her today
Monday, June 02, 2014
Ever since we were little, Daddy told us that whenever he died, he wanted us to play a certain song
at his funeral. He had a hard time letting go of our Mother once they divorced and this song expressed exactly how he felt. At his memorial, in the whirlwind of decisions and plan making, I completely forgot about his request and we played a few other sentimental songs. Over the past few months, I had been struggling with the decision he reluctantly made when he had to decide his wishes once he passed. He said it would be alright to cremate
him because he had this romantic idea of being scattered into the river to be ultimately washed away to the sea. My sister's and I talked about carrying out his request but each couldn't part with the piece of him we had in our urns. Fearing that his remains would be cast out should something happen to each of us, we discussed and came to an agreement to bury him. We wanted him to have his own mark in this world. He will meet his final resting place this Wednesday, June 4, in Evergreen Memorial Park courtesy of Seale Funeral Home
. This is where my niece, Raylynn Alaine is buried, as well as her Father, Joseph Ray Hagan. I told my sisters that it would be nice if we could all get together to take time to truly honor him by playing the songs we knew he loved. It will be a nice private memorial for our Daddy and I know he will be looking down upon us and smiling.